State Fair of Texas - Last Bastion of Freedom

...from Political Correctness, that is. Nothing else there is free.

We went to the Fair last Saturday, and had a pretty good time. We felt it would be criminal to pass up the Mother of All State Fairs. Big Tex called to us. And we're so close to the fairgrounds! All we had to do was drive to the DART (local light rail) station in Plano, try and buy tickets, discover that you can only buy tickets with cash, even at the automatic kiosks, get directions to the nearest bank, get cash, head back to the station, buy tickets, take the Red Line (thumbs up!)to downtown Dallas, transfer to the shuttle, battle our way past the "Prayer Station" psychopaths faithful trying to shove pamphlets at MY CHILDREN, buy fair tickets and head on in! Which is apparently more convenient than driving ourselves, due solely to the parking situation down at the fair. I'm taking that on faith.

First sight/sound: bagpipers. Good omen! And we got there just in time for the Hungarian Csardas dancers, which Mommy forced everyone to stop and watch MWA-HA-HA-HAAAAAA! Then it was off to the auto show, not to look at autos, mind you, but in a desperate attempt to locate the bathrooms for Josh. Then to the midway! Let's go! No, wait, not that way - it's too crowded. Let's try through there... nope, nobody's moving through there, either. How 'bout.... Okay, let's just stand here for a while.

.........

Worked out well, actually, because Ben's one great desire for Fair Day was to play a game (never too young to learn the word shyster). So we ponied up, and each boy was basically given a beach ball for their efforts. Pretty generous shysters, come to think of it. Know the best thing about beach balls? You can let the air out and store them in a diaper bag! WOOT!

But our main business with the midway was - you guessed it - Fried Coke. Oh yeah, we totally tried it! I wasn't overwhelmed by Coke flavor (couldn't taste it at all, really), so for me it was just basically two perfectly fried spherical donuts in a cup with whipped cream and a little Coke syrup at the bottom. No, really, it was good! And I want you to know I sacrificed in order to try this. In an effort not to have a heart attack by day's end, I determined to try only one of the many fried goodies available at the fair. So what offerings did I pass up from the self-proclaimed Fried Food Capital of Texas in favor of Fried Coke?

DEEP FRIED: pralines (this year's contest winner), mac & cheese, choco-rito (pretty much what it sounds like), cosmopolitan (non-alcoholic - think fried cheesecake), Twinkies, Snickers, marshmallows, funnel cake (natch), PBJ&B(anana) sandwiches, Oreos, candy apple turnovers, avocados (had I only KNOWN!!!), cinnamon crispas (remember when Taco Bell made them the right way?), "Fried Pancake Sundae", caramel-filled leg shapes (for the Melon Monroe sundae), Cajun Steak-on-a-Stick, and Donkey Tails (cheese-stuffed hot dog wrapped in a tortilla and, of course, fried).

I'm pretty sure that's not the whole list, but it was all I could find.

So that's the first sign that the phrase "Politically Correct" holds no sway at the fair. I'm surprised the Prayer Station out front isn't butted right up to an American Heart Association Defibrillator Station.

The second sign is the number of smokers. Many of them.

The third sign came in the form of those corny little tents promising a glimpse of various freaky things. Two-Headed Snakes! Snake-Headed Turtle! Freaky Looking Animal of Some Other Sort! Gigantic Live Alligator! This last one purported to be 15 feet long, but was being displayed in a trailer that couldn't have been much longer than that. I kept picturing Jeff Corwin blazing through with his cameras to chew people out... he probably wouldn't make it past the state line with all that namby-pamby animal non-killing he does. This is TEXAS, Mister!

Anyway, after we ate and marvelled at the Midway, we split up into two teams for one kiddie ride each, because they cost A LOT OF MOOLAH and we didn't want to waste it forcing anyone to ride something that would make them miserable (parents excluded), and the boys are deeply non-like-minded when it comes to rides. Which means, of course, that as soon was we split the boys all independently chose pretty much exactly the same ride. The J's and I hopped on a dragon-shaped roller coaster (kid-sized), and Ben and Daddy caught a caterpillar-shaped one. Kid-sized or not, however, those things went FAST - at least, ours did - and I thought sure I'd be dragging off a couple of miserable little dawgies at the end. Not by a long shot! They were beyond thrilled, even though I'm pretty sure Joseph whapped his head on the safety bar at least once. Ben's ride, apparently, was not such a hit with him. "Freaked out" is the phrase I remember hearing the most.

Off to the livestock! Cool stuff! The boys got to touch most of the animals, unless, of course, the animals were feeling the need for some alone time. They spent a good chunk of time feeding the young goats - see here, here, and here - cheered on by Mommy and Daddy, who were watching a goat that could only have been born just as we entered the building try to stand up for the first time. Cool stuff!

Then a stroll through the Creative Arts pavilion to see the famed butter sculptures and maybe a celebrity chef (missed that, dang it!), and a quick pass through the Food, Fiber, and Fun Pavilion to freak Ben out by showing him live shrimp in a tank, and we were ready to head home.

Sounds like we didn't do much, I guess, but anyone with kids knows that each of those things took nearly a decade in parent-time.

But it still was a fun day overall. I'm going again next year, and just crossing my fingers that they'll still have the fried avocadoes and pralines. I'm SO trying TWO things next year!