Baby Sis Mixing It Up

There's been a lot of mutual acclaim, link-trading, and general bonhomie going on over at Woody's Woundup and Way Off Bass. Very heart-warming reading, as well as stirring the old Patriotism and Love of Hometown instincts (Cam's picture links, in particular, caused some mighty pangs).

There has, however, been a MAJOR disservice done to an innocent, and I can no longer let this go unchecked. It's an error widely comitted; so prevalent, in fact, that some may consider me weird for getting all in a bunch over it. The crime, if you can read it unflinching, is found in this paragraph by Woody:

"Now Simi Valley is just another over-developed bedroom community. It has a 'mall' now, along with its usual collection of strip malls and shopping centers. It has two or three primary industrial centers. What used to be a tiny, grass-covered air field has long since given way to several vanilla box-like warehouses."

Did you see it? There! Right THERE! No, not the part about Simi getting over-developed; nobody can effectively argue that. Let me try again.

" What used to be a tiny, grass-covered air field has long since given way to several vanilla box-like warehouses."

Vanilla! I ask you!

It's kind of a running gag in our marriage - if Matt feels like riling me just for kicks he'll call something "vanilla" meaning to convey that something is ordinary, plain, uninteresting. Now, listen up, y'all! Because I need to sermonize, and and I need to do it quick so I can have time to find the shuttle launch on TV. If anyone broadcasts it, that is. Man, I miss having the NASA channel.

Did you know there are over 20,000 varieties of the orchid flower? And out of those tens of thousands, only ONE produces the vanilla bean. Now, this one flower produces blossoms that open for pollenation on only ONE day of the year. Not even the whole day, either. Just a few precious hours. And it so happens that this one type of orchid is only pollenated by ONE type of bee (the Melipona bee) (thank you, Food Lover's Companion). That's too much work for so few bees, so the flowers are largely pollenated by hand now.

Six weeks later, the vanilla pods have grown to full size (much larger than what we see on the rare occasions we get to see an actual vanilla bean). Eight or nine MONTHS later, they are mature and ready to be harvested. With machines? No. They are so delicate that they must be hand-picked. But still they are green and fragrance-free. Now they must be cured, a three- to six- month process. They get boiled, wrapped in blankets to sweat during the day, unwrapped to dry at night. This is when they shrink and turn brown. Then they're either sold as is or processed further into vanilla extract. According to The Companion, you can make your own extract by dropping a halved vanilla bean into a bottle containing 3/4 C of vodka and letting it sit for six months. You know, for when you have that last little bit of vodka sitting around and don't know what else to do with it.

Does ANYTHING about this process sound plain?! Ordinary?!?! No way, Jose. And I've only given the most basic of outlines here. Vanilla is amazing. Don't even get me started on chocolate. Back in the days before vanilla meant "plain" and chocolate meant "Hershey," both were reserved for royalty only. And now you know why both are so expensive in "real deal" form. In both cases, though, the real deal provides more bang for your buck. Imitation vanilla may cost less, but you'll need to use more of it to get enough vanilla flavor. Also, it's often made of paper-industry by-products treated with chemical. Yum.

Don't simply equate expensive with high-quality, though. Like anything, hucksters can make their stuff look more appealing by hiking the prices though unwarranted (I'm looking at YOU, Godiva).

Ah, CNN! I haven't watched a launch in forever! Thus ends the sermon!